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The collection of Tommy Cooper’s funniest jokes that will make you laugh

21 Aug 2023 5 minute read
Tommy Cooper (Creative Commons)

He was the Welsh comedy genius that was known of one of the funniest comics of all time.

His famous two-line jokes and one liners, known as ‘Cooperisms’, were legendary.

In a list of the best jokes of all time as voted by almost 40,000 people published a few years ago – out of the top 50 jokes Cooper was credited with no less than thirteen of them.

The Caerphilly-born funnyman, whose statue stands near to the town’s castle, had more entries in the list than any other comedian and had five in the top 10 alone.

The highest placed gag attributed to the Welsh comic genius, who sadly died during the filming of a television show in 1984, aged 63, was one about a gym instructor and the splits.

“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’.”

On the one day of the week when we could all do with a laugh here are 30 more pearlers that won’t fail to hit the comedy spot.


Tommy Cooper statue (Credit: Aberdare Blog, WikiCommons)

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common?’ “It’s not unusual.”

Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” How’s that?” Don’t you start.”

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”

A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

Heard the one about two aerials meeting on a roof, falling in love, and getting married? The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant

My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her. I hid her teeth.

Welsh comedy genius Tommy Cooper (Credit: Creative Commons)

You can lead a horse to water but teach him to lie on his back and float and you’ve got something.

I sleep like a baby. Every morning I wake up screaming around 2 o’clock.

They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?

My uncle was a great conductor. He was struck by lightning.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve already lost three days.

Last week, I went to a seafood disco. And pulled a muscle.

I went to the corner store. And bought 4 corners.

I said to the waiter: “This chicken soup contains no chicken.” He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Last night I dreamed I had eaten a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Yesterday, someone even complimented my driving. They left a little note on the windshield, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

An answering machine message says, “If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.”

My wife and I were married in a toilet. It was a marriage of convenience!

Two kids were arrested yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

It’s odd, isn’t it? You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says, “Does this taste funny to you?”

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Mab Meirion
Mab Meirion
10 months ago

Tommy was like Ryan, he did not need words to make you laugh…

Mab Meirion
Mab Meirion
10 months ago

I was sat with my colleagues early doors in a Soho pub frequented by film/tv/music types, Tommy was sat with his manager chatting, the hum of conversation was slowly being replaced by muted laughter, giggles and chuckles and all eyes were straining not to stare. He had everyone of us in suppressed stitches but not one word of their conversation was audible. It was extraordinary…

10 months ago

Alot of his jokes only work because of his delivery, that’s his genius.

Mab Meirion
Mab Meirion
10 months ago

I see a ‘Tommy’ style joke has won at the Edinburgh Festival…

Paul Hoskins
Paul Hoskins
10 months ago

Thank you for that, it made my day!

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