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‘I can never live a normal life after being stalked’ – domestic abuse victim

04 Dec 2023 4 minute read
Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash

Cathy, a woman who was stalked, controlled, and threatened by her ex-partner, has spoken about her experience of domestic abuse as part of a new police campaign.

Dyfed-Powys Police’s winter campaign aims to reach out to those affected by domestic abuse, stalking and harassment, encouraging them to report incidents, and offering a route to find support.

“I can never have a routine again. My life is still controlled by his behaviour. I have to do what I can to keep myself safe.”

Cathy speaks about the ongoing effects of the psychological abuse she was subjected to by a man who “targeted, groomed and controlled” her when she was vulnerable.

Appearing to be “the nicest of people” when they first met, Cathy said his behaviour changed when they began a relationship, and he started to control her.

Manipulated

“I was totally manipulated and managed by this man,” she said. “All the things you see in domestic abuse cases where the victim and perpetrator are married or live together, he did to me – he controlled me, he stopped me from seeing friends, he was damaging things and blaming me.

He was totally gaslighting me, but he would be so angry that I didn’t dare do anything about it.

“He never physically abused me, but the effects of being coercively controlled are the most dangerous – the psychological abuse is impossible to get over.”

Realising some of his actions were warning flags, Cathy started a diary where she could log his behaviour. He was watching her while she was at home, turning up at places she had not told him she was going to, and she later found out he was stalking her.

As well as getting advice from Dyfed-Powys Police, she sought help from several support organisations.

“I would crawl to the kitchen to make a cup of tea – that’s how unsafe I felt at that time,” she said.

“For months and months I had an overnight bag packed so I could just disappear. From every room in my house, I had an escape route. I knew exactly how I could get out of there if I needed to.

Linked

Domestic abuse covers physical or sexual abuse; violent or threatening behaviour; economic abuse; and psychological or emotional abuse. The victim and offender are linked as relatives, partners who are or have been married or in a civil partnership (or are engaged to be); in an intimate relationship; or have had parental relationships with the same child.

“I want to spread the word that domestic abuse isn’t always linked to somebody you may live with, have lived with, or you have children with,” Cathy said. “If you’ve had an intimate relationship with someone – even a one night stand – and they go on to stalk, harass or control you – that is domestic abuse.

“It doesn’t matter how old you are, what your background is, or your education, you could be affected by it.”

Cathy was mostly complimentary about the action taken by police, and at the end of the criminal justice process measures were put in place to protect her. The effects of the psychological abuse took a toll on her mental health, however, and her experiences have led to major changes in how she lives her life.

“I always consider the consequences of what I do or say,” she said. “I’m permanently scanning my surroundings, I’m always checking my rear view mirror, I cannot switch off.

“I still always have to be prepared.

“He is still a threat. Until he dies, I feel he is a threat to me and my life.”

If any of Cathy’s story resonates with you, or you need to report domestic abuse, stalking or harassment, you can contact Dyfed-Powys Police in the following ways:

In an emergency, always call 999.

If you feel you need support in contacting police, there are organisations that can help you. Click here to find them, or search online for Live Fear Free, Women’s Aid or the National Stalking Helpline – all of which have free helplines available.


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Linda Jones
Linda Jones
6 months ago

Despite its higher profile, domestic abuse is still under reported while the consequences for the perpetrator still does not go anywhere near equalling the impact on the victim, which can be lifelong or even result in death. Fact is 4 women a week still die at the hands of their partner or spouse, well aside from the damage done to those who survive such abuse. That is a national disgrace.

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