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Opinion

Christmas is a tricky time to be kingly

25 Dec 2023 3 minute read
King Charles III during the recording of his Christmas message at Buckingham Palace Photo .Jonathan Brady/PA Wire

Ben Wildsmith

Christmas is a tricky time to be kingly. One has the three kings and the king of kings competing in the same marketplace, so one needs one’s act together.

Start with a song. It’s a road-tested showbiz tactic, and when one has a brand-relevant shoegazer like ‘God Save The King’ at one’s disposal then one might as well get it in early.

For most of the year, one’s monarchical pronouncements tend to be drowned out by the incessant yelping of those whose greatness was very much not thrust upon them. It’s a matter of some confusion as to why one’s subjects are endlessly forgiving of the sharp-elbowed arrivistes who govern them, but who is one to judge?

Contemplation

If the stout yeopeople of the realm are content to have their affairs decided by individuals who have their suits tailored by Italians, that is a matter for them. One must protest, however, at the indecent haste with which these politicians replace each other. No sooner has one memorised a name, admittedly Liz was simple enough, than another is along to irritate the footmen and interrupt one’s contemplation with their vulgar solicitations.

One is unconvinced by the current antipathy towards those arriving in small boats. Having spent many happy afternoons traversing the River Wye in a coracle, one recognises their buccaneering spirit in one’s own questing.

Diplomat

Perched as one is, betwixt the divine and the mundane, one feels an obligation to act as a diplomat between these competing estates. It is my sad duty to relate that followers of the Abrahamic faiths have, once again, lost their way. ‘Divine right’ is an unfashionable concept in the modern world, yet one is confident that the faithful are more inclined to receive a spiritual slap ‘upside their face’ from oneself than they might from James Cleverly. Or Tony Blair. Especially Tony Blair.

So, in this spirit, I invite combatants in the Holy Land to drink deeply of my grave expression this Christmas. I do not issue it lightly.

In conclusion, one wishes you all of the tawdry distractions you desire as we face another year of inexorable decline. One’s own family, as you know, are a trial to us all.

One is holding on to the back of this chair lest one collapses under the weight of their competing ambitions. One offers evidence of one’s own wretchedness as a token of our collective suffering.

Does Phil Mitchell still own the Queen Vic?

 


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Chris Hale
Chris Hale
1 month ago

Excellent stuff

Richard Burton
Richard Burton
1 month ago

Behold the cult of excessive wealth.

Jeff
Jeff
1 month ago

Superb.
To think this person made a day long TV show about arriving at a church in a horse and cart with a shiny hat on.

TBLM1957
TBLM1957
1 month ago
Reply to  Jeff

He wasn’t wearing the shiny hat when he arrived. You have entirely missed the point of the whole shindig. Anyone would think you hadn’t watched any of it, and spent the day grumbling about it instead.

Jeff
Jeff
1 month ago
Reply to  TBLM1957

Not far off what happened. I got the horse n cart bit right. They couldn’t even afford a new chair for him (Ikea do decent ones for a fair price) and then lobbed some Crisp n Dry over him.

TBLM1957
TBLM1957
1 month ago
Reply to  Jeff

Not sure what your objection is. That they could have done it SO much cheaper, or they needn’t have done it at all?

Jeff
Jeff
1 month ago
Reply to  TBLM1957

Could have put his hat in the post. All he has to do is what he is told and read what is put in front of him. If I were PM, the opening of parliament speech he is handed would start with “my feet smell and Kier Starmer is made of jellied eels”. Just to see if he would read it. I would be all Mutley in the corner.

Steve Woods
Steve Woods
1 month ago
Reply to  Jeff

I don’t remember voting for him…

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