The Road to Tunbridge Wells

Ben Wildsmith

Andrew Bailey, Governor of the Bank of England, doesn’t know precisely how much he is paid but it’s sufficient for him to forgo the 1.5% rise he was offered this year.

From this lofty vantage point, he felt confident this week in alerting unionised workers to the moral case against demanding salaries that keep pace with inflation.

“In this world it is the people who are least well-off who are worst affected because they don’t have the bargaining power,” he said.

Let’s unpack this a little, shall we?

The governor is responsible for keeping inflation under control and appointed to do so by the government.

Now, with inflation heading for 13%, he wants workers with rights to feel ashamed of disadvantaging citizens who have no rights because the government who appointed him refuses to give them any.

This is the ‘So having a public library is more important to you than funding a cancer ward, is it?’ line of extortion that worked so well for Osborne & Co during austerity.

The key to its success lies in persuading people to ignore the vast profits that are made during whatever crisis demands that the mass of people forego their Costa coffees for the greater good.

We are encouraged to believe that the economy is a living organism that is suffering an illness. Only by sacrifice can we play our parts in willing the creature back to health, so that it can resume laying golden eggs for us all to share.

Oddly, however, the more stricken it is, the more eggs it seems able to lay for those with the means to buy up the assets we have to sell off cheaply to pay for its recovery.

Mendacious

Austerity, of course, was pronounced over by Sajid Javid in September 2019. But for the pandemic, we’d all be down the local Tesla dealership this weekend ordering new sets of rims.

If it hadn’t been for that pesky virus Boris would have levelled us up good and proper, as is the heart’s desire of every true Tory.

Except, it seems, Ready4Rishi.

There were two pieces of compelling footage released from Planet Tory this week.

In one, Boris Johnson was shown galumphing around the dancefloor at his wedding party like a tasered bear, while the other had Ready4Rishi exposing levelling up as the mendacious bollocks it always was.

As wealthy codgers sweltered under trees in an agreeable Tunbridge Wells garden, Ready4Rishi courted their votes by boasting that he’d diverted funds from deprived inner cities to deserving communities such as their own.

‘Red Wall’ voters had already been thrown under the bus by Liz Truss this week with her short-lived policy of cutting the wages of civil servants depending on how impoverished the godawful northern hole she’d relocated them to remained under her governance.

And this is how they treat England.

The natives

The ‘I’m a Diagnosed Narcissist Get Me Out of Here’ roadshow pulled into Cardiff this week for the Tory hustings 48 hours after Truss had described Nicola Sturgeon as an ‘attention seeker’ who was ‘best ignored’.

Neither candidate actually wore a pith helmet as they garbled a bit of Welsh or giggled about Shirley Bassey and lamb, but the tone was of an address to the natives, including admiration for the ‘vision’ of Andrew RT Davies, of whom, I suspect, neither had heard until being prepped for the event.

The substance, such as it was, promised ‘activism’ from Westminster to counterbalance the powers of the Senedd.

This prospect was eagerly received by an audience whom Ready4Rishi had treated to a warm-up show from promising Llanelli goth performer, Michael Howard.

Clutching their ‘Ready4Rish!’ and ‘Liz for Leader’ cards, they seemed a socially awkward bunch, perhaps more used to practicing their politics alone, but one thing cohered them above all others: the M4 relief road.

Both candidates promised this to wild applause by these tormented souls who see redemption on the road to Tunbridge Wells.

Cheap assets

After this contest is over the party will stop talking to itself and, once again, address us as if we have a common purpose.

The client media will explain that we are all in the same crisis and must tighten our belts until it passes.

But we’re not, are we? You’ve seen their lips moving and saying so.

In Tunbridge Wells they know the score and are preparing to snap up cheap assets as we speak.

They have a government that acts on their behalf whatever the circumstances.

The majority of the UK has no such thing.