Anonymous Welsh blogger describes life with schizophrenia

Emily Price 

A blogger from Wales with schizophrenia has described what life is really like living with the chronic mental health condition.

The article by an anonymous user of Mind Cymru’s mental health service comes on National Schizophrenia Awareness Day – a campaign dedicated to reducing stigma around the condition.

According to research from Time to Change Wales, less than half of people in Wales would be willing to live next to a neighbour experiencing symptoms of schizophrenia.

Additionally, studies like the latest Attitudes to Mental Health survey also found that levels of mental health stigma have been shown to be at some of their highest ever in Wales today.

This means that not only are more people with mental health problems likely to be feeling isolated, scared and confused by their experiences than ever before, but so are many more people they are close to.

Psychosis

Schizophrenia is a type of psychosis that affects how a person thinks, feels, and behaves.

Individuals with condition may not always be able to distinguish their own thoughts and ideas from reality.

Symptoms include hallucinations, delusions, disorganized thinking, and reduced motivation.

To mark National Schizophrenia Awareness Day, Mind Cymru is highlighting some common misconceptions around schizophrenia with this in mind.

The charity has been working with a person in Wales who has been living with schizophrenia for 20 years, to share what living with symptoms is really like, and in a bid to help others better understand.

Here, they talk about what life has been like since their diagnosis – and why they still feel the need to remain anonymous in doing so.

Bullying voices in my head for 20 years – by Anonymous

My voices, in hindsight, started as a result of lack of sleep and ‘social stress’ as well as paranoia at work.

Hence, in 2005, I was admitted to hospital after a nervous breakdown caused by those three factors.

In 2005, whilst admitted to hospital, I began to hear a mysterious voice in my head.

And, to deal with it, I started smoking. I then had several years of enduring bullying and criticism in my head from this male mystery voice that would not shut up and sounded real.

This voice, in my eyes, was a policeman, although this was a hallucination. And, up until 2008, I would hear comments in public or in my head saying: ‘she’s mad’, ‘she’s sad’, ‘I hate her’, ‘she’s nuts’ or ‘she’s fat’.

Some of these comments were because my weight yo-yoed a bit and gave me low self-esteem.

At the time they felt real, nasty and hurtful but in hindsight (a few years later) I realised they weren’t real, but it felt like it all the same.

However, the voices would petrify me, and I felt pathetic, weak and horrible. But, I was able to access a Mental Health Drop in Centre called Brecon and District Contact Association.

This provided support and eventually turned into Brecon and District Mind in 2013.

This ‘bullying’ continued to happen until 2013, during which I was re-admitted several times to hospital for psychosis and schizophrenia, and was eventually given the diagnosis of ‘schizophrenia like psychosis of epilepsy’.

Examples of my illness would be hearing people say nasty things and jibes behind my back when sat in a restaurant, or whilst walking through town.

During those years the doctors tried but failed to find suitable medication to help.

Puzzled

My father was a pharmacist and even he was puzzled as to what to do.

Then, in 2014, doctors agreed to change my epilepsy medication – a big decision due to the risk of another seizure – in order to strengthen the effects of my psychotic medication.

Amazingly, this experiment/trial worked and I went on to give up smoking, be more positive, lose weight from a size 20 to a 10, get my driving licence and find two part-time jobs.

Now, despite a few ‘red-alerts’ related to medication and white/red blood cell count, I am so much better, 80% happy and still in control.

The stigma around schizophrenia is isolating and can make you feel as though you’re the only one going through it.

I sometimes feel paranoid, as though people around me are talking about me, but I find it best to be straightforward and ask people – when it feels safe to do so – otherwise I won’t sleep at night and that can make me unwell. I need that peace of mind.

Personally, I have had schizophrenia for around 20 years, but I do know of other people who have lived with it, unfortunately, for up to 40 years.

These are the things you learn to handle from a long-time experience with the illness.