It’s always tease, tease, tease…

Ben Wildsmith

Funny how things go, isn’t it? Seems like only yesterday that Keir Starmer was unveiling his ‘changed’ Labour Party to the orgasmic delight of James O’Brien’s LBC listenership.

Waitroses up and down Britain were abuzz with Sir Keir’s forensic abilities and unparalleled skill at not being Jeremy Corbyn.

The previous few years had been harrowing for the sort of Labour member who keeps DVD box sets of Michael Portillo’s Great British Railway Journeys next to a signed copy of Hillary Clinton’s Living History. Don’t get them wrong: at heart, they are deeply principled people.

In the real world, however, where they, and only they, live, wild notions like nationalising utilities and an ethical foreign policy are simply unelectable. In fact, you were unprincipled for pushing all those student pipe dreams when the working class, some of whom they’ve met, were crying out for a commonsense Labour government that would kickstart growth by subsidising an American corporation to build a theme park near Bedford.

So, when Andy Burnham addressed conference in John Lobb otter-skin hobnailed boots this week and promised us the revolution on a stick, it was confusing to witness the unquestioning delight of his audience.

The bond market must have felt like it had been stood up at the school disco as a red dawn rose over Liverpool. Railways, water companies, care homes, Sure Start II, the deposit on a new-build home, council houses by the million: money is, apparently, no object anymore.

Don’t panic, though. Before anyone starts fretting about whether they should move the bulk of their lolly from ethical funds into more insulated investment vehicles, very little of this is happening soon.

This was a peculiar political moment, in which the PM punted an election manifesto to see whether it went down well enough that he could call an early poll. Brexit is to be put through a show trial before its execution and interment alongside the triple lock in the Rachel Reeves Memorial Cemetery.

The PM’s political problem is that he wants to make fundamental changes but doesn’t have a mandate to stand on. Calling an election soon is undoubtedly the principled thing to do. This is not a shift of style or management; Burnham’s accession represents as substantial an ideological change as we have seen since David Cameron defeated Gordon Brown. Enacting that is unthinkable without a mandate.

Gordon Brown’s experience must weigh heavily in Labour. Instead of capitalising on the nation’s relief at losing Tony Blair, Brown prevaricated and ended up having to face the electorate with the 2008 financial crash nailed through his hands and feet. Events, dear boy, events…

Horrified

Calling an election now, though, when a poll yesterday had Reform back in front, would be a reckless move. Putting a working majority of 166 on an evens horse risks alienating Labour MPs who expected job security until 2029. I mean, gosh, they’re fully behind Andy’s project, obvs. On the QT, they were just horrified at how Morgan McSweeney manipulated poor Keir into being so right-wing, but Reform are actually polling really strongly in their constituency at the moment, so they are just a teensy bit concerned that an election right now might be too divisive and harm community cohesion. The struggle is real, and so are mortgage payments.

So, the trick will be trying to implement Starmer’s duff manifesto faithfully enough to avoid an election, while trying to cover up three years of can-kicking with anticipatory rhetoric about life in 2030.

Do we have the patience for that? I doubt it, so Burnham will need to see a consistent upswing in the polls to persuade his backbenchers that rolling the dice on an election is in their interests. Sorry, our interests. My mistake.

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