Laugh Your Way to Annihilation with the BBC

Ben Wildsmith 

Traditionally, you’ll find me mounting a defence of the BBC. Despite routinely shouting obscenities in the car when Radio Four dramas reach near-fatal levels of middle-class mimsiness, I remain doubtful that shadowy global elites have chosen to brainwash the British public into servile docility through the medium of Adrian Chiles.

Ten seconds in front of GB News, or the other one that’s even worse, are enough to convince me that a flawed BBC is better than the tech-bro funded dystopia of unchallenged propaganda that would emerge if it disappeared.

My defensive instinct is, however, often difficult to nurture. Having shackled myself to its fortunes, I’m often left speaking out in favour of something that, privately, I think needs a good slap.

This morning’s news report on the World Humanoid Robot Games in Beijing married terrifying images of a futuristic nightmare with jokey, flippant commentary, fronted by a laughing reporter who seemed to have teleported from a 1981 episode of Tomorrow’s World.

As dozens of faceless automatons marched across the screen in military formation for the opening ceremony, the Beeb seemed blithely unaware of the implications.

‘What investors will want to know,’ she grinned, ‘is whether the robots can fold laundry.’ Spectators at the event seemed to have a firmer grasp on what they were witnessing.

Two ecstatic women in the crowd offered their perspectives.

‘I feel very proud of my country’s technological advances,’ said one, raising thumbs aloft.

Another, similarly thrilled and holding a toddler, also saw clear implications for the future.

‘I hope that one day my daughter can work in this industry and contribute to our nation.’

For the BBC, though, a totalitarian regime showcasing technology that is outstripping all competitors is no biggie.

Instead of an updated version of May Day military parades it was presented as a techy version of the Ideal Homes Show. I mean, yes, the development has been funded by a Communist regime that has harnessed aspects of Capitalism to further its eventual ideological hegemony, but the real story is whether we’ll be able to get one of these beauties from Argos in time for Christmas. Mum will be thrilled if it does the washing up.

Sprinting robots, which have recently broken Usain Bolt’s 100 metres world record, flew past the finishing line, hurtling into crash pads before lying inert on the ground.

‘Speed isn’t the problem, braking is…’ giggled the reporter as the robots were lifted off the track on to stretchers. ‘After the finishing line, it looked like it needed a lie down!’

You’ve got to laugh, haven’t you? Presented with the image of robots outperforming all of humanity but being unable to stop when required is such a hoot. Stupid robots!

I’m fairly sure that if you put a Staffordshire Bull Terrier in front of that footage for long enough it would see a clear metaphor for the relentless technological drive towards an unknown future that is terrifying most of us every time we are spoken to by AI bots if we try to communicate with officialdom.

Framing

For the BBC, though, the framing remained tighter than a gnat’s aperture. Never mind the implications of an infantry that can march without rest, or the proven ability of AI to escape its servers and run amok, all you need to worry about is whether this technology makes money.

As if the moral universe were governed by the ethos of Dragon’s Den, the reporter closed her piece with a solemn note of caution.

‘The biggest challenge isn’t building these machines, it’s turning them into something people actually want to buy.’

Let’s hope the next generation of androids can turn their plastic hands to creating news content that people actually want to watch.

Here it is, if you’re curious.

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