The cosmos according to Facebook

Ben Wildsmith

Well, I see the sky has gone woke. In my day, the night was a pitiless void upon which your existential dread could be projected as you shivered under a thin, nylon sheet. We didn’t expect frivolous light shows and flat screen TVs.

If my old dad had seen Friday night’s vulgar display of Technicolor luminescence, he’d have assumed the Nazis were bombing Swansea docks and gone to hide in the toilet.

Not that we got to see it up our way. Oh no.

Whilst Facebook was full of gloating Treorchy residents posting photos of Blaencwm looking like the Las Vegas strip, Rhondda Fach passed Friday evening in its customary sombre tones, disturbed only by the occasional tinkling of broken glass, or rustling of chip paper.

You can blame Rhondda Cynon Taf council for that. We don’t even have a railway line up here, let alone a Fancy-Dan, award-winning High Street so what hope did we have of them staging the aurora borealis in the Fach?

All those corrupt, good-for-nothing councillors, fat on free chips from A Fish Called Rhondda, can’t find a few quid to fix the potholes in Pontygwaith but can somehow fund an extreme G5 electromagnetic storm on the other side of Penrhys.

Shame on you if you enjoyed the northern lights, anyway. I boycotted the event for political reasons. How you hypocrites can enjoy the spectacle of solar flares turning the sky into entertainment when there is so much suffering in this world sickens me.

This is the same sky through which innocent birds fly into wind turbines, did you even consider that? Why, it seemeth nothing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours.

All you sheeple, staring up at the pretty colours just like the WEF wants you to. Baaaa, Baaaa, Baaaa!

While you were busy being mesmerised by the ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ event, The Elite were quietly installing spyware on your devices that interacts with the Covid vaccine to track subversive thoughts.

The mainstream media won’t tell you that!

There’s a cost-of-living crisis on, though, and we all know how tough it can be to find treats for the family nowadays. So, (admin please delete this if not allowed), I’ve created a range of bespoke ‘Haribo bouquets’ to commemorate the phenomenon for the children.

Available in small, medium, and type 2 diabetes sizes, these cellophane-wrapped gifts are a fun way to celebrate the vulnerability of mankind to random, cosmic happenstances through brightly coloured sugar.

DM me to reserve your child’s bouquet, they’ll be ready for collection on Wednesday and include a *FREE* printout of a photo I took outside Morrisons on the night itself. Cash only.

I like to think that within all of us, a small voice yearned for the polarity of the earth to be reversed on Friday night, for a hushing of the endless chatter as global misery is beamed into our daily experience at a rate that outpaces our capacity to understand.

It was a reminder that there is, always, something outside of the godawful mess we seem to have made of our world.

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